Pornografie- en verhoudings.

20Jul09

Wanneer pla pornografie en hoekom? Kan dit positief tot verhouding bydra of is dit alles negatief.

Ek loop hierdie brief op Litnet se Bieg raak;

http://www.litnet.co.za/cgi-bin/giga.cgi?cmd=cause_dir_news_item&cause_id=1270&news_id=69942&cat_id=161

I am a 28-year-old guy. I’ve been in a relationship with the most wonderful person for almost six years now. We have sex regularly, but we’re not married, which is more the way things worked out than a decision. This is a huge problem on its own as we both are Christian and try to live our lives accordingly. I want to marry her with all my heart and although there are so many excuses for not doing so (for example she’s a few years younger than me and I strongly believe that she wasn’t/isn’t ready for marriage). These, however, are just comfortable excuses because I have to ask myself the question: “Am I ready for marriage?” and the answer would be yes. That was until tonight. She found some pictures on my iPod. I have no idea where they came from as I don’t build porn collections, like I once did, anymore. The fact is it came from somewhere and it wouldn’t have if I wasn’t visiting these sites. Four years back she “caught” me for the first time. As a resolution I promised her to never do this again. I erased all porn from my computer and broke the “habit” of watching porn. This became more difficult as our relationship progressed. I have a very high sex drive, something very few people in our conservative community understand or could care to deal with, let alone live up to. She really tried and this made me feel worse, as I realised that most of the things happening in our sex life are purely because I want them. She feels guilty when we’ve had sex and even more so when we’re exploring. This, according to her, is because we’re not married. It was difficult for me to understand at first, as neither of us were virgins when we met. This was difficult for me to make sense of. She had slept with someone else before me, but has no attraction towards me. What am I doing wrong? Why doesn’t she want me? Why doesn’t she need me in that respect? These questions haunted me – our sex life felt to me like a pure obligation on her part. I felt like she’s having sex with me out of pity. Solely because it’s too difficult to explain to me why she had sex with her ex, but doesn’t want to have sex with me. As time went by I came to believe that the reason why she reacts/acts like this is that she really loves me. She knows we’re going to be together for the rest of our lives and she’s afraid of jeopardising our future marriage or our sex life after we get married. Maybe I started to believe this as it was the easiest for me to accept. It’s just too hard to believe that she doesn’t want me or that I can’t live up to what she had with her ex. I love her with every part of my being, but through this time I’ve occasionally found myself on porn sites. I promised her to stop it and this made me feel like even more of a loser until I made myself believe that it was better this way. She (as do I) comes from a very conservative background and I started to feel like I’m breaking her down as a person by expecting certain things from her. It gave me the refuge of being to her what I think she wants me to be and I at least didn’t feel guilty for asking her things she’s clearly not interested in or what feels are wrong to her. I’m not on porn sites 24/7. I don’t seek site after site after site as I used to when I was a student or like I did before promising her I would stop. Our sexual problems just sometimes led me to believe that I’m doing nothing wrong. The fact is I am. Not being able to share my sexuality with her like I always dreamt of doing with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, has made it more difficult for me to share anything with her. This had the effect of lost intimacy, which led to even more problems and my doing more of my own thing behind her back. I’ve never desired someone else. What I desire most is for her to really and truly “want” me. I felt empty because (or I believed) she did not. I tried to fill that emptiness by doing what I did as I felt that maybe this will change once we got married and I wouldn’t have the need for this anymore because then she wouldn’t feel guilty anymore and I would feel guilty to share my sexual thoughts and fantasies with her. Tonight I saw the hurt that it caused and even though I’m not sure I’ll be able to fix this to an extent where our relationship is what we both desire anymore, I want to break free from this guilt I’m carrying around in me. I never want to be responsible for hurting anybody with this ever again. I want to be the man she deserves in her life. I want her to feel safe with me, to feel comfortable, to feel as special as she is to me. I want her to respect and look up to me. I want this more than anything. I want this more than sex. First of all: How do I fix this? Not for her (as this was what I tried the first time around), but for myself so I can be the one she wants and needs. Could we ever be what we both desire after I hurt her like I did? How do I win back her respect and most of all, her trust? She’s the woman I want to wake up with every morning for the rest of my life. Please help me with any means … advice, programmes, referrals, groups, anything that can pave my way back to being the person I know I am inside. To be the person she wants and needs, while still being who I am.

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